One Week Holiday…

Last week I had some time off, and decided to do something a little different to keep myself amused. I had always planned on going out and taking a lot of photographs, but I figured I might make a coffee-tale book of some of the more interesting ones. And here it is, free for your downloading pleasure. I humbly present, One Week Holiday (17mb PDF) or One Week Holiday (1.6mb PDF)

I encourage you to check out the small version, which is still quite good quality, but if you wish to print it (Why the hell you would I’m not sure, but hey, whatever floats your boat) download the big one.

Innaugural first post from the iPhone

Simply testing out the iphone’s camera

Music: A little ditty by yours truly.

I consume massive amounts of music these days, and occasionally I will regurgitate something that resembles music and then post it up on the internet. This is one of those occasions. I hereby present the following song for your listening pleasure:

 Stratus 

It’s a sort of overly happy track that I made when I was in a disproportionately good mood.

How you are wasting 19 minutes of my life per year, or, How to use a lift.

There are many ways of transporting oneself from one level to another, such as stairs, ramps and escalators. The lift, however is the only one in which I find myself literally shocked at the behaviour of some of the passengers I come across. Now, I hear you. You think that I have gone too far with this, that I am using this blog simply to vent exasperatedly about my plethora of neuroses. Well, you are probably right about that, but this particular tick of mine is quite a serious issue that you yourself are probably ignorant about.
As I use a lift, or elevator in a busy shopping centre on a daily basis, it has become quite apparent to me that most people are simply wandering around aimlessly about their lives oblivious to how in-efficent their behaviour is. I doubt that any of the cattle will be reading this, and since they cannot defend themselves, I will be calling them many names such as cattle. Sue me.
Now, to the heart of the issue. The idea of a lift is to transport people from one level of an establishment to another. Most lifts work thus: a button is pressed by the potential passenger, usually one of two: Up or Down. The idea is that one presses the button respective to their direction of travel, and therefore the lift will only stop at the floor it is passing if it is travelling in the same direction as the passenger. This is the first point of failure of most passengers. Much to my dismay, many a time have I witnessed BOTH buttons being pressed by a single passenger. Now pressing both buttons at the same time is logically stating that your intention is not to travel Up or Down. This totally absurd notion is not truly the intention of your average double pressing idiot. No, the true intention is to try and hail the lift faster, as if the lift were some sentient machination that senses a passengers urgency and rushes ever faster to fulfil it’s duties. They are, however, obliviously contributing to the ghastly inefficiencies that befall modern lift travel.
If the lift stops at this floor, the passenger has two choices. They can embark, or not embark. If the lift is going in the direction of the passengers destination, the passenger may embark without damaging the efficiency for the other passengers. However, if the passenger is travelling in the other direction, and they embark, the time they take doing so is wasted for all of the existing passengers. Valuable seconds that cannot be taken back.
“Seconds?” I hear you exclaim. Yes, valuable seconds. How valuable? Well, there are roughly 20,000,000 people in Australia, and lets say that 19,000,000 are ignorant idiots who cannot effectively grasp the proper way of using a lift. And lets say that during the course of a year, they each waste one minute of time for the remaining 1,000,000 slightly more enlightened of us. So, 60 seconds * 19,000,000 people / 1,000,000 people = 1140 seconds per person equals out to be about 19 minutes per person. That is 19 minutes of my life I will not get back. Or get paid for. Or compensated for in any way. In that time I could have planted a tree, or helped 19 grannies across the street or smoked 4 cigarettes.
And that is what this all boils down to. Too long have those of us who choose not to use the lift in a state of oblivious stupor been oppressed by those who do. We must fight back. Next time you feel you are being held back by one of these Neanderthals, fight back. Tell them off. Slap them across the face, verbally or literally, because it is only through rebelling that we can win this fight.

The End.

Rant/Guide: How to be a better customer.

After working in the field of retail for many years, one tends to pick up many strange idiosyncrasies and behaviours from customers that create frustrating and sometimes baffling results. I thought it might be a good idea for me to write a guide for people when they come to purchase goods in a retail environment.

In this guide I will give some of my own perspective on certain situations which tend to reduce the flow of the sales process. As a customer, you may be totally oblivious to some of your actions in regards to how they affect said sales process.

 

Be aware of your surroundings, and have some common sense:

If you want to make sure you get the best possible service, when you walk into a store, observe your surroundings. Take into account things such as how busy the store is, the time of day and the number of staff on duty. You cannot truly expect to get the same attention from staff if they are currently serving someone else. If there are people banked up at the registers and most of the staff are either putting sales through or are currently serving someone else, hiding down the back of the store will not get the attention of the salesperson. 

As a customer, it might be nice to expect the same level of service regardless of the circumstances in the store, but unfortunately it is totally unrealistic. A salesperson can only truly serve one person well at a time. A good salesperson will manage the time they have with a customer to an appropriate time scale depending on how busy it is, but many types of transactions cannot be performed in 2 minutes. Things such as returns, lay-buys, service repairs, very large sales, sales that involve finance or other special payments and other customer concerns often take many times longer than the average sale. 

How would you feel if you were purchasing something worth a few thousand dollars and the salesperson left you every thirty seconds whenever another customer wanted attention? I personally would leave the store. Large sales do get the priority not simply because it is good for the stores sales figures but because when spending large amounts of money, we all like to be assured we are making the correct decision. It is this assurance which takes time.

If the salesperson has left another customer to help you, try to keep it short, or if you have a more difficult problem, tell the salesperson this so that they can finish serving their current customer. This may seem overly gracious, but again, put yourself in the shoes of the customer who the salesperson left? Would you want to wait while another customer who came into the store after you got served? 

Any time that is busy there is always someone I can just see down the back of the store looking very impatient simply staring at me with no other indications that they need assistance. If I have customers backed up three deep at the register, I’m not going to leave them to run down there and help you out. Or often if I am getting a product for a customer from the back room I have people asking if I’m free. If I was free, would I be walking from back room with a product in my hand towards the counter? It is incredible (and depressing) how many people leave their common sense at the door when walking into a store. 

The best way to get help from a salesperson, if there are none free is to wait at the counter. The counter is the busiest part in most retail stores and also the place you are more likely to find a salesperson that can help you. Standing at the back of the store and staring at a salesperson will not get their attention. And for gods sake, do not yell out, gesture, click, whistle or wave for a salespersons attention. This is just plain rudeness and is a sure fire way to void any favours that you may have received. 

When you are being served, try and stick to the subject. The salesperson really doesn’t need to know in detail what programs you are intending to watch on your new television. They don’t need to know about what your friend said to you on the phone last night or what you think about the current political situation in the US. These details not only waste the salespersons time, they can make it more difficult for them to focus on the problem at hand. 

Also, keep the conversation polite and friendly, but be pithy and concise if possible. Try to convey only the relevant details about a problem you have. This will save you time, and the salesperson time. 

 

Do your research:

The salesperson you speak to may know a lot about a few things or a few things about a lot. Very rarely will they know anything more than basic selling points about the majority of the products they are selling. This can lead to a) Frustration on behalf of the customer, because let’s face it, you want all of your questions answered quickly and concisely, and b) possible incorrect information being given to the customer, either by simple mistake or by the salesperson speculating about something so that they can give an answer rather than appearing ignorant. Of course, the salesperson could simply check the details but unfortunately, with staff levels in the majority of stores stretched so thinly, shortcuts tend to be taken regardless of whether it is the right thing to do. 

So what can be done to rectify this situation. Well, two things, one realistic and one not. Firstly, the one that is only practical for stores in fantasy land, is for the salesperson to spend any free time he or she has learning every intimate detail about every single product. The reason this doesn’t work? Think about how many different products exist in your average (say) electronics retail shop. The number is about twice as large as that. When you, as a customer ask a salesperson something very specific about a product, for example the number of buttons on the remote control of a particular television, you are basically saying that you expect the salesperson to know that level of detail on every product. And not just that detail, but every detail that is that specific. Obviously, that can’t scale.

The only real solution to this problem is for the customer to have done their homework. In this day and age with the internet so available, it is quite simply lazy on the part of the customer not to have done at least fundamental research on the product they are thinking of purchasing. The higher the value of the product, the more research that should be done. This not only takes the burden off the salesperson somewhat, it also helps the customer because the internet is full of reviews and opinions on just about everything. The salesperson is there to assist you with your purchase, not tell you what to buy. The assistance may include giving an opinion of a particular item, but as a customer, it is in your best interest to get as many points of view as possible, and the internet is the best possible place for such things.

Another problem I encounter as a sales person are people who want the salesperson to teach them about a particular product in detail. For example, I often get customers who come in who have heard the word ‘MP3′ and want me to tell them all about it. In most case a simple ‘MP3 is a way for computers to store music’ will suffice, but in many cases with new technologies, I find that I am explaining simple concepts over and over again when the customer could simply have done a google search for ‘What is MP3′. 

 

Salespeople are humans too! (or, Remember your manners):

Nobody likes to be treated like shit. Plain and simple. I have, however, come to accept that several times a day I have to converse with people who have no common courtesy, or manners. Saying hello and smiling will instantly give a good impression, and lightens the mood of the conversation between you and the salesperson. If you are terse and rude, you are less likely to be done any favours. A simple ‘thank you’ can often make all the difference. Many people think that because they are giving someone money i exchange for goods it gives them the right to treat someone as sub-human. I encounter this kind of behaviour daily. A salesperson is a person just like you, trying to make a living. 

I do not have a photographic memory. I cannot remember when you came in two months ago and I do not remember what you bought or what problem I helped you serve. So please do not pick up the conversation where we left off because I will simply have no idea of what you are talking about.

Also, this final thing may be just one of my own neuroses, but if you are talking to a salesperson, do not eat something. It is one thing that really grinds my gears. I once had a customer that walked up, took a bite of his mars bar before even saying hello, and proceeded to eat it while asking my advice on some product or other. He chomped away as i tried to ask him questions to try and help him, and almost as if he had intended it, he finished his mars bar at the exact same time as I had finished with him. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying anything. 

 

You have no right to a discount:

At least in my part of the world, you don’t expect to get a discount without a very good reason. In my opinion, a good reason is imperfect stock, old stock, or if you are buying a large number of items. If you simply ask for a discount with no other reason than you want one, you are almost certainly not going to get it. At least a dozen times a day I get asked by customers for discounts on things that are active, already on sale, or already discounted. Why would I drop the price on something such as this? If I reduce the profit margin on something by 50%, I have to sell twice as many. That means that if I refuse to discount then as many as 50% of the people who approach me to buy the product can tell me where to shove it and I will still make the same amount of profit for the company. It’s not that hard really. I’m not going to work twice as hard for the same figures. 

 

After sales support over the phone:

In my job, I often deal with people over the phone who need a little bit (or sometimes a big bit) of  help with their product when they get it home. If you need me to step you through a process, let me do so. Do not do something else and not tell me. I can’t see what’s going on on the other end of the telephone, so I must be able to have a clear and accurate mental picture of the situation. It’s in your best interest to simply do exactly as I say and answer my questions concisely even if you think what I’m doing is wrong. If you needed to call me for help it is likely that you don’t know what to do. 

Also, if you do call for support, don’t keep passing the phone to somebody else. Just today I had to deal with a couple over the phone who kept switching the phone between them. The husband seemed to think his way was right, so no matter what I said he simply set up his TV the way he thought it would go (Which was obviously not the right way because he had to call me!). 

 

So what does it all mean?

Basically, this was meant as a bit of a guide on how to be my dream customer. If everyone followed my advice, my job would be a dream. If you are reading this as a customer, perhaps next time you walk into a retail shop of some kind, you can take something away from this and perhaps the salesperson you deal with will have a slightly nicer day because of it.

Tales of my death…Now with photos of Eastlink!

It is true, I have been on something of a blogging hiatus. Blogging is one of the many things that I get totally excited about for a few weeks, but before long my interest wanes and it all falls by the wayside. However, I have that excitement back and am sure that there will be a number of posts this time until lack of interest takes over once more.

So, what has caused this new eruption of effort on my part? Well, I recently purchased a shiny new camera, A Canon EOS 400d to be precise. When this is combined with my strange fixation with Eastlink (The new road system which is to be opening on the 29th of June) you end up with me taking a lot of photos when Eastlink has an open day. Here are some photos from that fateful(?) day: (click the picture below to access the entire gallery) 

Eastlink Open Day

The prodigal son returns, with a new look…

After an embarrassingly long hiatus from blogging, I have returned to share with you news of something I have grown quite attached to over the last 23 years: My hair. I finally took the plunge and got dreadlocks made from my wispy, boofy hair.I must say, it is something of an improvement, since after the first week the maintenance should, on the whole, be less. Also, they look much cooler, especially with my fedora.  Anyway, here are the incriminating photos: 

Rantview: Blood and spunk (single) by Regurgitator

First some background…

The first CD that I ever purchased was ‘Unit – Rebooted’ by Regurgitator. I was in year 7 at high school, and ‘Polyestergirl’ and ‘!(The song formally known as)’ were being played all over the place.It was a much larger affair back in those days to purchase a CD. Having no job meant that $25 was quite a large sum of money. An amount that could only be acquired by accruing pocket moneys for a period of time or doing lots and lots of odd jobs.I don’t remember exactly how I managed to get the money together, but I do remember not knowing whether to buy a CD or (lol) cassette. At the time I had a hand-me-down CD player that couldn’t actually play CDs. The radio worked. The Tape player worked. The CD player didn’t work and had to be taped shut, because the latch was broken. This wasn’t the only problem. Even if the lid was tapped down, it still didn’t work. I could hear something moving whenever I tried to use it, but it never worked.So it was with the knowledge that I may not be able to play it on my own stereo that I still decided to buy the CD. I went to a number of shops, looking around for the best price. As mentioned earlier, the difference between $30 and $25 was heaps in those days. I eventually settled on JB Hifi, as they were the cheapest.Then the next choice: Which colour? You see, Unit Rebooted was a combination CD and CDRom with video clips on it. It was released after the initial release of Unit which had a silver background with a yellow circle as the cover. Unit rebooted came with many different coloured circles on the cover. There was orange, blue, green and I’m sure may others. I took an Orange one, but I cannot remember what motivated me to do so.After purchasing this disc of aluminium foil and polycarbonate I caught the bus home. I arrived and went straight to my bedroom. I remember looking at the CD player. I put the disc inside. I taped the lid shut. Nothing. Just the same strange sound of movement it always had. Slightly saddend, but increasingly determined to prove myself better this inanimate object I looked inside. The laser was there, sitting at one end of its track. Well, to read the whole disc the laser had to go along the track, Right? And well what harm could come from moving it across by hand Right? So I did just that.And then I put the CD inside. And it played. And it was as if the angels themselves created the music that washed over my ears.

That was then, this is now…

I consume music these days at quite an alarming rate. I buy CDs, I purchase tracks from iTunes, I download MP3s from ThePirateBay. I was bored, so I decided to browse the iTunes music store. There, on the front page was a link to the new Gurge single, ‘Blood and Spunk’. This brought memories flowing back, and made me think about how Unit was the only CD of Regurgitator I had purchased. For some reason, their later stuff just didn’t do it for me. But now, we had the potential to kiss and make up. I double clicked the song, and listened to the 30 second preview, and instantly bought it.The song has that usual Regurgitator electronica fused with regular instruments, but somehow sounds fresher and more modern, more professional. Better.Then halfway through, it cuts to a bassy synth bridge and really captures the listeners attention. After cutting back to a final verse, you find yourself bobbing your head, and wanting to listen to it again.The new album is due on 15th of September, and if the first single is any indicator, should be a cracker.4.4/10Link to iTunes store:.

Link: Cunnex

Someone was finally angry enough with Connex, the tyrant in control of the rail network in Melbourne, that they created a site dedicated to it. . Link

An interesting notion…

I have a quiet affection for the word ‘Fantastic’. Not so much the word in its written form, but I find that the act of annunciating this word is somehow satisfying. So when the word ‘Flantastic’ entered my brain randomly this afternoon I found myself using it instead (in private).

This word is, to me, even more delectable in it’s pronunciation, and gives me a certain contentment akin to the ‘Cellar Door’ arrangement that Tolkien was so fond of.

The word ‘fantastic’ originally meant something fanciful or remote from reality. However, today, it is used to describe something which is outstanding or extraordinarily good. It is also often used in a sarcastic tone, and this is the way I tend to utilise it. ‘Fantastic’ may be uttered when I find myself faced with a negative situation, or having to deal with someone else’s stuff up for example.
A flan is a type of cake, one which I am not entirely familiar with. I know what it is, but have never really had the chance to consume one.

Therefore, the word ‘Flantastic’ must mean something either something outstanding that relates to cake, or something that is very negative that relates to cake. It was on my commitment to the meaning for this word that I began to hypothesise about situations in which it could be used. Can it be used just as the word ‘Fantastic’, adding a certain eclectic tone to the exclamation? On the contrary, the social consequences of saying such things aloud may be somewhat uncomfortable. This is a special word in need of a certain situation.

Situations such as commenting on an exemplary cake at someone’s birthday party to tumultuous laughter. Scenarios involving my going to a cake shop and certain pastries being ‘accidentally’ knocked to the floor started going through my mind.

It was at this point that I realised I think too much.